What to Do and Say When Children Lie

Honesty is, unarguably, my highest value.

Deception comes in many flavors: white lie, compulsive lie, saying half the truth, hiding the truth, twisting the truth, exaggerating the truth, denying the obvious. All these taste like pain to me!

I read that the average person tells 4 lies a day or 1460 a year; a total of 87,600 by the age of 60! It truly breaks my heart!

Sometimes, the truth does hurt  for a moment, one lie turns into a web of lies that hurt forever. Lies create pain and distance and destroys the trust and respect you once had for the liar. It also prevent the liar from getting close to you because they know they’ve betrayed your trust.

So…what happens when it is our children who lie? It is NOT easy, I tell you! All children lie, at one time or another. It’s a fact I did not want to but had to face. I have become enlightened in the process of facing the truth:

1- WHY. 

It is no secret that children model what they observe. But when you make “honesty the best policy” in the home, and you “walk your talk”, WHY becomes a natural question.

I spent hours and hours researching and my discovery was reassuring: while ALL children lie, few of them do it out of psychological reasons and it’s not a character flaw. Whew!

They lie out of fear of the consequences the truth will bring, to protect someone else, make things “interesting” when they are boring, to get praise or approval, to avoid a dreaded task, or simply because “it slipped out.”

2- PUNISHMENT.

Seems like the obvious answer. In fact, children lie mostly to avoid punishment, and, when punished, they associate the punishment with “getting caught”, and “confessing”.

They believe they were punished “because mom and/or dad found out” rather than because they lied. By punishing our children, we are feeding the fear that motivated them to lie in the first place,  rather than helping them see the beauty of truth in our partnership with them.

3- REMEDIES. 

The three best ways to encourage honesty are :

Modeling.

Children are black and white in their perceptions. When we forget to keep a promise, justify excuses or use any of the aforementioned flavors of the lie, they will adopt the same behavior…and magnify it!!!! Modeling becomes a factor when we are consistent in admitting and correcting our shortcomings and helping them correct theirs, as well.

Instruction.

When a child is in an environment at home or outside the home where someone else  (family friend, relative, teacher, etc.) is lying, or when it comes up in a story or movie, make sure you address each situation. I believe in being proactive: if it doesn’t come up, bring it up!

Openness. 

One of the characteristics of a WHOLE Family is open communication. Children must feel “they can tell you anything” and they must be rewarded for telling the truth – even when it hurts! It’s easier said than done, but I guarantee it works!

The hardest step is to believe again. When the trust has been broken, it is very tough not to cross-examine or question the truth; however, I know how devastating it is for someone not to believe you when you are being completely honest and open with them. It is a good lesson that I am thankful for and it was about time I learned.

What do YOU do when your children lie?

Elayna is a single mom of 4, award-winning Storyteller, Story Strategist, and Student of Pain. She’s a bestselling author, internationally acclaimed keynote speaker, and 4x TEDx speaker. Founder of the Positive MOM® and creator of the S.T.O.R.Y. System: a blueprint to craft and share powerful stories that will transform your results, so you can have the wealth, opportunities, and freedom you deserve. Connect with Elayna Fernández at thepositivemom.com/keynote-speaker and follow @thepositivemom. To receive a gift from Elayna, click HERE.

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