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How To Ask For What You Need Without Sounding Needy

Needy: “a woman who wants affection, attention, or reassurance to an excessive degree.”  No one wants to be THAT woman. Do YOU? She’s vulnerable, she could be judged… or even worse… she could be rejected.  Those are probably the BIGGEST fears a woman could possibly have… and those fears do not serve us or bring joy.

Society tells us it’s better to be independent; you know, as in:

  • “I don’t need anybody”
  • “I can take care of myself”
  • [or in the immortal words of Destiny’s Child] “I depend on me.”

Sorry to burst a bubble, but the truth is that we all need each other. While self-assurance is a quality to strive for, when it becomes an extreme deal, it actually feels very lonely; not to mention, it makes life harder.

The fact that you CAN do it alone doesn’t mean you SHOULD. You know how I feel about the word should anyway (or read this post to find out). It’s healthy to ask for what you need. I highly recommend it.

[Tweet “The fact that you CAN do it alone doesn’t mean you SHOULD. #motivationformoms”]

Of course, there are RIGHT ways to ask for what you need and keep your integrity, your dignity, and your sanity. Let’s discuss 7 simple steps to ask for what you need.

7 steps to asking for what you need without seeming needy

How To Ask For What You Need Without Sounding Needy

  1. Ask for a time that works to have the talk. This gives them a heads up and allows them to be ready and focused. To make sure you don’t create tension around “the talk,” let them know they are not “in trouble” and it’s not the end of the world. LOL
  2. Start the talk by saying a compliment or some genuine words of appreciation for him or her. It’s a good idea to thank them for making time to listen, too. Sometimes we focus on our needs not being met and forget the many other things the person may be providing for us. Gratitude is one of my highest core values, so it empowers me to do this.
  3. The next step is to let them know there is something very important that you need and they may not know about or that you keep forgetting to tell them about.
  4. Tell them what you need in a very specific way. What? When? Where? How?
  5. Let them know EXACTLY what this would mean to you and what it will provide for you. For example, I’ve asked my husband that I need time alone: “I need to spend at least an hour alone so I can recharge. This will give me peace and that is what I most need, especially right now!”
  6. Ask them if there is anything they need in order to give you what you are asking for or to meet your need. This is my favorite step because I love working with people, rather than setting them up for failure in their efforts to “please me.” I think this is the key to ask for help without seeming selfish.
  7. When the person meets your need (or as often as they do), it is imperative to express gratitude for the effort they make and to let them know EXACTLY what the result is. For example, when my husband got home from taking the girls to the park, I hugged his neck and said something like “Thank you, honey, this means the world to me and now I feel so happy and whole. You’re the best!”

To recap: ask for a time, appreciate, state the importance, tell the need in the most specific way possible, explain the outcome, ask what they need from you, and express gratitude for meeting the need.  It’s quite simple!

[Tweet “Learn 7 simple steps to ask for what you need without seeming needy #motivationformoms”]

Warning: If you have this talk and still feel frustrated that you aren’t getting what you need or want, I suggest you get clear: what do you REALLY need?  Are you articulating exactly what you need, with – you know – every single detail?

When you are absolutely clear about your needs and desires and assertive enough to ask for them, you will avoid becoming needy, because you will no longer wander aimlessly, searching for a satisfying result.

OH – and one thing you must know about me: I can’t stand HINTS! The fact that I am not a mind reader enlightened me to understand that others aren’t either. I love when the people in my life communicate their needs in a direct way that is true to who they are as an individual, and in a way that is kind and shows respect to who I am.

When we know what we need and muster the courage to ask for it, we are giving others an opportunity to deliver, to push our happy buttons, and to deepen the relationship. It feels great to get exactly what we want and need and to feel the butterflies fluttering inside the tummy.

[Tweet “Having needs is natural and healthy, as it’s part of God’s plan #motivationformoms”]

Having needs is natural and healthy, as it’s part of God’s plan that we serve and complement one another. Asking for help and asking for what you need is not weakness, it is being strong enough to know you are worth connecting with, investing on, and caring for.

Do you struggle asking for what you need and desire? If you are strong in the area of asking for help, what is your best advice? I am so looking forward to hearing from you!


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