As moms with growing tweens and teens, we’ve all been there. We pick up our child after time apart, whether it’s school or camp, and we’re so eager to bond with them in a meaningful way.
I can’t count the times I’ve asked some form of the question:
“How did it go, honey?”
Only to get the four-letter words…
“Fine”
“Good”
“Nice”
It’s always a one-word response. And it always feels like a punch in the gut – especially when it triggers your childhood wounds.
That silence feels personal – like we are always ignored and no one wants to talk to us, not even our own kids.
This feeling intensifies when the car rides get longer, and the silence is more deafening. Or when we get home, and bedroom doors and earbuds block any possibility of connection.
But it isn’t personal at all. And I don’t say that to invalidate your feelings, because I’ve felt them – scratch that – I feel them… ALL-THE-TIME.
The real and raw truth is that raising tweens and teens is inevitably triggering and, therefore, can be intentionally transformational. That’s motherhood for you.
And our kids, most of the time, do want to talk to us and do want to be connected with us, and research has proven over and over that they do NEED a close, supportive relationship with parents at this age and stage.
So why is connecting with our kids so hard, especially during the teen years?
During my second TEDx talk, titled The Anatomy of Effective Parent and Teen Communication, I talked about how the teenage brain is developmentally similar to the toddler brain.
The most prominent developmental milestones look like:
- Trying new (and sometimes risky) adventures
- Pushing boundaries to find themselves
- Asserting their identity and autonomy
In a room full of parents and teens, who attended the TEDx Youth @Milton Avenue event in Alpharetta, Georgia, I also shared what I have found in both my research and lived experience is that the teen and toddler brains are highly emotional and reactive, just like the trauma brain.
It’s not that the “twos” are terrible or that teens are the torture they are often depicted to be – but more so that we’re all functioning from our limbic system, and that creates chaos when what we all need is calm.
That’s why it’s important to take a creative approach to consistently connect as a family in ways that don’t leave hard feelings or emotional injuries.
Familias Conectadas | Connected Families
I was recently speaking at the bilingual Instagram Screen Smart Event in Miami, Florida, with the theme “Familias Conectadas” (Connected Families), where content creators, community leaders, and parents watched an episode of the Meta “Carversations” series.
Beloved Mexican actress Salma Hayek and her multicultural teen daughter, Valentina Pinault, drove to a thrift shop in Barcelona, chatting about staying connected through online content.
The Instagram Screen Smart event is an experiential, informative, and inspiring event designed to spread awareness of Instagram Teen accounts and the tools and resources Meta offers to spark conversations and help children ages 13-17 have a safe, age-appropriate Instagram experience.
My fireside chat with amazing Leonor Arrochella Lobo, Product Policy, Youth & AI at Meta, was moderated by the fabulous Jessica Rodríguez of Univision’s “Despierta América” and, naturally, we talked about Carversations, and I shared some memorable Carversations of my own:
1- Elisha opening up about being bullied
2- Eliana sharing a comment from a teacher about her being a leader
That’s what inspired me to talk about the what, when, where, who, and how of Carversations with you, too!
THE WHAT: What are Carversations?
Here’s my definition of a Carversation:
Carversations are intentional interactions during car rides to seize the few precious minutes you have with your child, tween, or teen to turn mundane moments into meaningful conversations.
We never had a car when I was growing up in the Dominican Republic. My dad had a motorbike, and the loud noise didn’t exactly allow for deep, connected, open conversations. But I learned how to drive and bought my first car at 28 years old, after facing homelessness in the United States when Elisha and Elyssa were toddlers.
My daughters have grown up with a mom who drives them everywhere: drop-off, pick-up, car rides, and road trips. Even though the car is a place that makes me anxious, I’ve learned that I love to talk in the car, and that makes car rides more bearable.
Carversations are a great tool to engage with tweens and teens. In fact, these car ride conversations might become the best conversations you will ever have. Let’s explore why!
THE WHY: Why Carversations Work to Create and Deepen Connection
You might already know some of the reasons why Carversations help tweens and teens feel more comfortable, connected, and even cooperative.
Here are my top 3 – and I made them rhyme (LOL):
1. Informal Pace.
Carversations don’t start with “we need to talk,” or end with an awkward hug or an unnatural “thanks for talking.” The casual “vibe” the car provides helps teens and tweens feel less pressure. It’s a transitional time to relax in a comfortable seat, a break from their often full day of activities.
2. Forward Gaze:
Most serious talks happen when we’re across from each other, and subconsciously that positions us as opponents. During a Carversation, you’re both looking in the same direction! And even if your teen or tween is gazing out the window, looking at cars and signs as you focus on the road ahead in the driver’s seat, the talks feel less like a test or a lecture. The lack of eye contact helps tweens and teens feel emotionally safer and less intimidated and inhibited when they talk to a parent.
3. Contained Space:
As someone who was kidnapped in a car when I was a teen, I avoid using phrases like “captive audience,” “they are trapped,” or “they’re stuck with you.” We must rethink and reword because there’s no room for a sense of safety when someone believes they’re being held hostage. However, the car does offer a focused, contained space you can take advantage of and, when you’re intentional and present, Carversations offer the opportunity to turn mundane moments into meaningful memories.
THE WHEN: When to Carve Time for Carversations
We’ve been discussing the drive home, from school, and through the car line, but Carversations can happen anytime.
You can have a Carversation during a quick trip to the grocery store, driving to a sports game, the drive to visit relatives or friends, or even during driving practice for your teen driver.
Teens and tweens actually prefer short Carversations, so short distances work really well, because they shouldn’t take much time. Of course, you can have several conversations during a long drive.
THE WHO: The Carversator and The Moderator
As a parent, your role in a Carversation is that of a moderator:
- A moderator guides, regulates, and oversees the discussion
- A moderator acts with emotional neutrality, focusing on facts
- A moderator ensures safety, dignity, and respect
This means that this is not your time to share your stories, experiences, and thoughts, but to ask for theirs – and listen.
It’s your time to spark fun and thoughtful discussions about your teen and tween: hobbies, interests, dreams, and opinions, thoughts, and feelings about just about anything that is age-appropriate: technology, friendship, dating, school, sex, current events…
The best strategy is to find a creative approach to tap into topics that are meaningful to your tween or teen.
As the moderator of the Carversation, you’ll follow the moment and trust your intuition. It’s important to decide what topics are better one-on-one with your teen and tween, versus what others can be discussed in front of a sibling or friend or any other car rider.
THE WHICH: The Right Questions to Ask During Your Carversations
Ever since they learned to talk, our kids are known to ask a lot of questions. And they follow up with “Why?”!
The best way to have a Carversation is to creatively tap into this natural way for them to communicate.
And the best questions to ask are open-ended questions. These are encourage open dialogue because they cannot be answered with a YES or a NO response.
For example: “How was school?” turns into “What happened in math class today?”
As you discuss various topics, current events, and social issues, you can ask about feelings and thoughts. For example:
- “How do you feel about that?”
- “What do you think about this?”
- “Why do you think this is happening?”
As the open questions unfold, they can reflect, process, and express themselves, rather than bottle things up inside, and we get to know them better. Remember that the opposite of depression is not happiness, but expression.
THE HOW: How to Set the Tone for Great Carversations with Your Kids
To make the most of your Carversations, I’m sharing 3 simple ground rules or guidelines you can use to create an inviting atmosphere and get a great car conversation started:
1. Limit your distractions.
Carversations work best when the car is an electronic-free space.
This is hard, but think about it: If they can put on their earbuds or headphones or scroll up and down, the focus will be lost. So ask everyone to stow away their devices – and do the same!
The radio is just fine, especially if your teen is in charge of the playlist, but you want to keep the volume low.
2. Hold your tongue.
I know I say “hold your tongue” a lot (It’s the focal point of my first TEDx talk), but it needs to be said. I say it to myself every day. It’s the hardest, but the most effective way to deepen your bond.
The main point of Carversations is to listen. Your teen or tween will feel safe opening up and pouring their heart out only if they feel safe.
To be a great listener, you must make yourself available and give your tween or teen your undivided attention.
5 ways to let your tween or teen know you’re a great listener
- Acknowledge what they say and reflect it back to them, so they know you have genuine interest in what they are saying.
- Holding your tongue also means holding your emotional reactions (like your gasps or phrases that denote shock, etc.). Of course, you know I’m all for validating words and non-verbal cues – that’s a given.
- Replace advice with genuine curiosity. Ask why? A lot!
- Ask for permission to share your viewpoint: “Would you like to hear my take on this?” or “Want to know what I’d do about that?” (Be ready to hear “No” as an answer!)
- If you do share your views, make sure to offer it as your opinion, not facts. You can harness the power of storytelling, especially if you tell stories about your own tween and teenage years.
3. Keep it light:
The purpose of Carversations is not to question or teach, but to create a supportive and lighthearted atmosphere. The best Carversations focus on connecting, not correcting. The focus should be to have the best time together.
I like this quote by British author Alain de Botton:
“Intimacy is the capacity to be rather weird with someone – and finding that that’s okay with them.”
Being silly and even a little cringe together, creating joy, laughter, and fun memories, will create a safe space for them to ask questions and express concerns.
Because laughter breeds learning, and in the middle of hearing about their favorite things and best things, you are building a strong foundation for serious conversations, too!
Ready to give Carversations a try?
Parenting is quite the ride (pun definitely intended), and every stage brings its own challenges and opportunities. Car trips are a great way to learn how to parent them more effectively and with more care, because they are the experts on how to help them feel seen and heard.
Through the thousands of miles we spend with them in the car, putting down the electronics to connect with each other, you are creating memories that you’ll treasure for the rest of your life.
Have you used Carversations to encourage your teens and tweens to open up?
Share about your car conversations in the comments below.
Founder of the Positive MOM® and creator of the S.T.O.R.Y. System: a blueprint to craft and share powerful stories that will transform your results and help others do the same. Dr. Elayna Fernández is a single mom of 4, an award-winning Storyteller, Story Strategist, and Student of Pain. She’s a bestselling author, internationally acclaimed keynote speaker, and 5x TEDx speaker. She has spoken at the United Nations, received the President’s Volunteer Lifetime Achievement Award, and was selected as one of the Top Impactful Leaders and a Woman of Influence by SUCCESS Magazine. Connect with Elayna at thepositivemom.com/ef and follow @thepositivemom. To receive a gift from Elayna, click HERE.
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