What’s your love language?
The 5 Love Languages is probably THE bestselling book of all time. In it, the Author, Gary Chapman, taught us five ways to express love: physical touch, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, and gifts.
“The Five Love Languages: Secrets to Love That Lasts” book was published in 1992 and sold over 20 million copies, and was translated into 50 languages. The quiz to find out your love language online has been taken over 100 million times!
Many people swear about the idea of love languages, and I have even spoken about it before, but today, I want to ask – what if everyone is wrong about “Love Languages”?
In this blog post, we’ll explore where the love languages could be problematic or even harmful and some alternative love languages to consider.
The Concept of Love Languages
Baptist pastor, Gary Chapman, shared the theory of Love Languages based on his observations of couples after years of marriage counselling.
After four decades, he concluded that there are different languages in which people express love and that, to make someone feel loved, we must show it in their preferred language.
- Words of affirmation: sharing spoken expressions of appreciation, showing gratitude and affection, or complimenting someone
- Quality time: spending time with someone, giving them your undivided, focused attention
- Acts of service: doing tasks or chores for someone to show you care about them
- Physical touch: touching someone physically to demonstrate love and support
- Receiving gifts: giving thoughtful gifts to the person you love
Chapman’s work is based on the whole concept that if you want your partner to think, feel, and believe that you love them, you must speak your partner’s love language. In other words, it’s up to you to make a person feel loved. They should also demonstrate love to you in your primary language.
What’s wrong with The 5 Love Languages?
After a handful of studies to test Dr. Chapman’s 5 Love Languages, there’s little evidence to support the theory in psychological science, and there are some issues to raise.
1. The peer-reviewed data in “Popular Psychology Through a Scientific Lens: Evaluating Love Languages From a Relationship Science Perspective” contradicts the idea that people have a primary love language. They claim there’s empirical evidence that partners value all expressions of love, regardless of their partner’s language. It’s important to know that the alternative the authors provide has even more limited evidence.
2. The “5 Love Languages” online quiz to determine your love language is not structured in a reliable format.
3. The 5 Love Languages is an oversimplified theory of love; when people have their own version of the love languages, research links them as strong factors for relationship satisfaction and success.
4. Dr. Gary Chapman himself has stated that the five love languages are simply five categories for grouping the countless ways people express love. While Chapman is not a psychiatrist or a doctor of psychology, he has a Ph.D. in adult education from Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary and has served as a minister in the Baptist Church, so every case study in the book involves married, Christian, heterosexual couples. Some argue that this sample is too limited.
5. As a multiple-trauma survivor and trauma researcher, I will say that the book is not trauma-informed. Some passages are actually quite problematic, and there are some damaging ideas that seem to support an abusive husband in his coercive abuse.
Are the 5 Love Languages useful?
Chapman’s advice has worked for many people in many types of relationships, and I believe it’s a great tool for understanding what we expect from others. If you think about it, Chapman’s book was first published with the title: “The 5 Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate,” and that is a claim of personal responsibility, but when the subtitle changed to a promise of lasting love, it became more marketable, and it’s also a very big claim.
Even though Chapman’s love languages did not originate in sociological or psychological research, the book and quiz can encourage people to communicate and discuss their relationship, their needs, and how they give and receive love. Communication is indeed a science-backed tool for relationship success.
No, the 5 Love Languages are not supported by empirical scientific evidence, and they can be harmful if treated as such, but discussing, trying to understand, and trying to meet your partner’s needs is a good thing. Trying to show love in the way the other person receives love is a basic tenet of a healthy relationship and can foster emotional connection.
The Love Languages for Followers of Christ
Pastor Gary Chapman quotes a lot of scriptures in the book, but The 5 Love Languages cannot be found in the Bible. I’ve been re-reading the New Testament lately, and I recently reviewed Paul’s letter to the Corinthians, the verses famous for providing a definition of love:
4 Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,
5 Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;
6 Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;
7 Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.
8 Charity never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away.
The word for Charity, used for love in the King James Version of the Bible, originates from the Latin caritas (“costliness, esteem, affection”), derived from carus (“dear, valued”). Caritas has been used to translate the Greek agape (unconditional divine love), emphasizing brotherly love and compassion.
So, let’s recap!
These verses don’t talk about words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, quality time, or physical touch. 1 Cor 13:4-8 describes someone’s nature: patient, kind, unenvious, humble, respectful, selfless, calm, forgiving, righteous, enduring, and eternal.
I’ve learned that love is about attributes to become, rather than actions to be performed.
Love is Patient
As moms, we know all about long-suffering. When we love someone, we endure with them and for them. Patience is a love language because when we are patient with someone, they can feel our love.
Love is Kind
Being kind is acting from an inner desire that comes with generosity, consideration, or concern for others. Kindness is a love language because people can feel our goodwill and care. Kindness helps people feel seen and not alone.
Love is Unenvious
When we love someone, we want what is best for them, and we celebrate their wins and successes. We do not feel envious or covet their position or possessions. It is a love language because it’s natural to feel loved when someone supports someone’s path, passions, and purpose.
Love is Humble
Humility is a Christlike attribute, and it is a love language because it not only means that someone does not boast, act with pride, or come from an inflated ego, but also that someone will take responsibility for their actions and will stay accountable to another. These traits communicate that someone deeply cares about the relationship and wants to make it work.
Love is Respectful
When someone is rude, indecent, or improper, it doesn’t matter whether they touch you, give you gifts or compliments, do your laundry, or want to spend time with you. In fact, you don’t want to receive anything or even be around someone who disrespects you. Right? Respect is a true love language, and it can and should be given freely to everyone. It is a gift when it is felt.
Love is Selfless
Many have defined a mother’s love as selfless. A positive mom does not seek her own. I’m not talking about losing or abandoning oneself. I’m talking about taking care of your own needs while prioritizing others’ needs over your own interests. You’ve probably been the recipient of a good deed that you know is done with selfish motives, and do you feel loved? No, you feel used and manipulated. But selflessness is a love language, because love is palpable when you know someone is invested in your well-being; you feel the love.
Love is Calm
Being easily provoked is not always a sign of evil – it can be a trauma response. But when someone acts in anger and shows little or no restraint, especially for seemingly no good reason, we feel unloved and unappreciated. Being a peacemaker is a love language, and working to resolve and heal your trauma is an act of love.
Love is Forgiving and Accepting
Thinking no evil first comes from being non-judgmental and then not keeping a record of wrongs or dwelling on faults. This is a love language because when you feel safe with someone, that they accept you for who you are and that they assume positive intent, or they forgive something you’ve repented from, you feel cherished and loved.
Love is Righteous
Integrity – or righteousness – is a love language because when someone rejoices in the truth and aligns with that truth, we can trust them. Relationship experts often emphasize that feeling trusted and being able to trust someone else are crucial in any relationship or friendship. Trust is an issue for trauma survivors, and finding someone trustworthy is a huge achievement and accomplishment.
Love is Enduring
Enduring is a love language because it persists above hardship and time. There’s nothing that says “I love you” like someone persevering with belief and hope in you, the relationship, and themselves.
Love is Eternal
Love is eternal – it never fails. As humans, we are not perfect, but we are indeed eternal. Treating the relationship as eternal and seeing the other person through an eternal perspective may not only be a love language, but may be THE love language. It might be the secret to a love that lasts.
Should we still care about the 5 Love Languages?
So the original five love languages are neither science nor Gospel. I still think it’s fun to find out what our love language is. My primary love language is Words of Affirmation. That tracks, but those words only matter if they are accompanied by an energy and spirit of genuine care.
When The Beatles sang “All you need is love,” they perhaps weren’t talking about love as a feeling, but love as charity; love as a compilation of different attributes we should embody, all of which are only possible when you act under the influence of the Spirit – they are fruits of the Spirit.
Psychologists agree that the attributes mentioned in 1 Corinthians 13 are considered green flags for healthy relationships and strong indicators of success and satisfaction. And, of course, this needs to be reciprocal, and as you cultivate them, you cannot help but to extend the same treatment to yourself (and the other way around). As the poet Rumi said, “all love is self-love.”
As Paul shared, charity is superior to knowledge or even prophecy. I know that as we strive to personify and practice the love languages of Charity with everyone we come in contact with, we will be a light to the world. Love is the most powerful force in the universe.
What attribute from 1 Corinthians 13 are you committing to cultivate after reading this post?
Share with us in the comments below!
Founder of the Positive MOM® and creator of the S.T.O.R.Y. System: a blueprint to craft and share powerful stories that will transform your results and help others do the same. Dr. Elayna Fernández is a single mom of 4, an award-winning Storyteller, Story Strategist, and Student of Pain. She’s a bestselling author, internationally acclaimed keynote speaker, and 5x TEDx speaker. She has spoken at the United Nations, received the President’s Volunteer Lifetime Achievement Award, and was selected as one of the Top Impactful Leaders and a Woman of Influence by SUCCESS Magazine. Connect with Elayna at thepositivemom.com/ef and follow @thepositivemom. To receive a gift from Elayna, click HERE.
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