Three years ago, I delivered my first TEDx talk live at TEDxColePark in Corpus Christi. I flew in and stayed at a rental property. I remember how excited I was to meet the organizer and the team, as well as my incredible fellow speakers.
My personal mission is to be a conduit for love, light, and learning. That’s why the event theme “One Love” was so fitting for my talk. It aligns with everything I strive for and stand for.
As soon as I got off the stage, I had so many people come up to me and hug me. With tears rolling down their cheeks, they shared how moving the talk was for them.
At the time, we all thought our talks would be published on the TEDx YouTube channel within a month or two. However, life happens, and that was not possible. I was grateful I got to share with the live audience, since even impacting one person would be worth it. I heard directly from many of them that they’d take to heart the lessons I shared. And speaking at a TEDx event, becoming a TEDx speaker was a huge accomplishment, and I celebrated it as such.
But this past November, I went back to Corpus Christi with my daughters because the TEDx event organizer decided to film a few of the speakers so we could publish our talks!
You can watch my TEDx talk about The Ministry of Presence on YouTube, but I’ve also decided to share my TEDx script below – just as I wrote it before I delivered it live to the audience.
TEDx Talk Description:
Very few people truly know what to do, what to say, or how to BE when someone they love, lead, or serve is in pain. In this short yet powerful TEDx talk, Dr. Elayna Fernández, a multiple-trauma survivor, researcher, and author of the Date Your Pain journal, shares:
1- Her simple 3-step process to help people feel seen, safe, and supported in their pain.
2- How we unintentionally invalidate, gaslight, or dismiss someone else’s pain, and how to avoid it.
3- Evidence-based principles to bring light and healing to even the darkest moments of unimaginable pain.
TEDx Talk Transcript – What to Say When Someone You Lead, Love, or Serve Struggles| Elayna Fernández | TEDxColePark Studio
Pain is the common thread of humanity. And yet, very few of us truly know what to do, what to say, or how to BE when someone we know is in pain.
I was 19 years old when, for the first time in my life, I felt seen, safe, and supported.
A mysterious woman at a gas station, whose name I still don’t know, taught me what it takes to bring light and healing to even the darkest moments of unimaginable pain.
I saw her get out of her luxurious car and walk toward me. I was enveloped in shame. She was dressed like Audrey Hepburn, and I was a mess. She smiled lovingly as she covered my nakedness with a fancy suit jacket. She pulled me closer and held me with motherly tenderness.
As I felt her pearl necklace on my cheek and her soft hand caressing the parts of my scalp where my hair used to be, all I could think of was how her beautiful dress was now covered with my blood.
I had just escaped extreme violence and violation, and, at first, it was so hard to surrender to a kind of love that was so unfamiliar to me.
She didn’t have to say a word.
Her ability to be present sustained me in the aftermath of being kidnapped, brutally raped, and almost beaten to death by a stranger. As she embraced me, it felt as if we were one. I was enveloped in love.
She left shortly after the paramedics showed up, and sadly, I was retraumatized at the police station, the hospital, and eventually… in the courtroom – and then in almost every interaction with my own family and friends.
I experienced what I call “motivational shame.” It’s when well-meaning people want to fix your pain with affirmation, assurance, and advice, and end up invalidating you instead.
They said, “It could have been worse.” “You’re going to be okay.” “Everything happens for a reason.”
Yes, he didn’t kill me.
Yes, the pregnancy test was negative.
Yes, he was going to pay for the crime.
But when I heard those positive phrases, I didn’t feel cared for… I felt so alone! I just wished I could disappear… or die.
Because in the midst of pain, motivation can kill, and validation can heal.
Dr. Peter Levine, author of several best-selling books on trauma says that “Trauma is not what happens to us, but what we hold inside in the absence of an empathetic witness.”
Now, this may be shocking to you, coming from someone who’s known worldwide as the Positive MOM:
But … when someone is in pain, we must stop being positive. Instead, we must be present.
No matter what the painful experience, hurt, or loss, each of us is able to bless the people in our lives with what I call
The Ministry of Presence.
And what I have learned in my work and my research over the last 3 decades is that there are 3 aspects to being present: safety, silence, and space.
I strive to practice these principles when someone I love, lead, or serve is experiencing emotional pain: hold them, and hold my tongue. Just like the woman at the gas station.
Her loving presence continues to inspire me daily and guides my life and my work with impact-centered leaders, families, and organizations around the world.
Hold them and hold your tongue.
That silence and that space are extremely uncomfortable for us, but they can be life-saving for the other person. I always say, “safe people save people.”
And what does safety look like?
You’re a safe person when you resist the natural urge to fix or ease their pain. It’s when you focus on your impact, not your intent.
And when words are needed, research shows that our impact is most powerful when we validate. A safe person validates by accepting and acknowledging someone’s unique experience and allowing them to express all the emotions they’re feeling.
It sounds like: It wasn’t your fault. It’s okay to cry. I believe you. You are not alone. Or How can I support you?
Now take a second to think of someone who might be struggling. Write or type their name and decide how you will minister your presence to them. When you hold them and hold your tongue, they will feel truly seen, safe, and supported in their pain.
So I’d like to close with this: you’ve heard that your words are powerful, but so is your silence. Because in silence, you can be present, and that presence is where true love lives.
Blessings!
What is your main takeaway from my TEDx talk about The Ministry of Presence?
Let me know if you have any questions about overcoming Motivational Shame. It is my prayer that this TEDx talk inspires you to
Founder of the Positive MOM® and creator of the S.T.O.R.Y. System: a blueprint to craft and share powerful stories that will transform your results and help others do the same. Dr. Elayna Fernández is a single mom of 4, an award-winning Storyteller, Story Strategist, and Student of Pain. She’s a bestselling author, internationally acclaimed keynote speaker, and 5x TEDx speaker. She has spoken at the United Nations, received the President’s Volunteer Lifetime Achievement Award, and was selected as one of the Top Impactful Leaders and a Woman of Influence by SUCCESS Magazine. Connect with Elayna at thepositivemom.com/ef and follow @thepositivemom. To receive a gift from Elayna, click HERE.
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