I can’t believe we’re already on Step 5 of the “How To Set Clear Firm Healthy Boundaries Without Feeling Guilty” series.
With each post, we’ve been getting closer to getting unstuck, and unlocking strategies to healthier relationships through boundaries that are not too loose so we can receive the respect we desire and deserve, and not so tight that would block trust, connection, and harmony with those we want to be close to.
- In “see it“, we talked about self-awareness
- In study it, we questioned our beliefs about boundaries
- In “say it,” we learned how to ground ourselves and practice, and…
- In “share it,” we learned the exact steps to have the boundaries conversation
Today, we are discussing an often overlooked, and oh-so-crucial step: seek support, which is [you guessed it!] all about setting yourself for success by partnering with positive supportive people in your life to help you in the setting boundaries process.
Do you find it easy to ask for help? Well, if that’s the case, keep doing it and don’t take your gift for granted.
If like me, you tend to isolate when you are experiencing sadness, helplessness, anger, or frustration, please know that some of the happiest, healthiest, wisest, and wealthiest people in the planet once struggled with this very issue.
Jack Canfield, the New York Times bestselling author who holds the Guinness World Record for most books sold with his Chicken Soup for the Soul series, and one of my most trusted mentors, refers to asking for help as an act of courage.
I’ve learned that “no mom is an island” and one needs partners in order to get to any desired destination. I’m worth the effort. You’re worth the effort… and we can do this!
With that being said, many people are
willing delighted to respect your boundaries.
One of the most important boundaries I have about my work is the fact that I observe Sundays as a Sabbath. It is a very sacred day for me and I do not do client work on that day. It is a day of rest, renewal, and connection with my Heavenly Father, and my clients respect that because I openly communicate it and establish it as part as our partnership. I have clients of all faiths and it is not rare for me to receive a note saying:
“I know it’s your Sabbath, so I will wait to hear from you when you are back to work.”
I love that boundaries work effectively in any area of our lives!
Some people will test your boundaries… sometimes more than once… so be prepared! In my experience, I’ve found three different reasons why may this happen:
It difficult to agree to something you don’t quite understand boundary setting, so you may want to explain why boundaries are “a good thing to agree to” and why setting this boundary is important to you.
Are there any boundaries someone is crossing because you have not communicated them effectively? If you are unsure about the answer to this question, check step #4 of this series for tips and guidelines on how to have the boundaries conversation.
The person does not respect your boundaries now and, most likely, doesn’t plan on doing so in the future. This usually happens with people who are used to acting in manipulative, controlling, or abusive ways toward you. This is when you will need the most support, because your behavior will need to match the boundaries [and therefore, the consequences] you have set.
SEEK SUPPORT to Stay The Course!
Even if you have a strong personality, enjoy wonderful relationships, and are familiar with the boundaries setting process, you will find these tips useful, because setting boundaries is a lifelong journey that requires courage, consistency, and coaching.
Distance yourself from toxic people in your life. [Or what I like to call “life drainers” or “energy vampires.”] Remember that your energy is limited, precious… and extremely necessary for the people who matter most to you.
Develop friendships with people who honor your right to set boundaries and stick to them. Having the right people (and not having the wrong people) in your life makes all the difference. I think life just flows! I have found that when people set boundaries with me and others, they are more likely to respect my own.
In Step 3, we talked about finding a mentor, a church leader, or a trusted friend to practice setting boundaries with you before each boundary conversation. This person can also hold you accountable after it has happened.
This is where the courage of asking for help comes in handy. I know some women who have found it easier to join a Facebook group or an online community because it offers anonymity of it. Certainly do what works for you and feels comfortable… and at your own pace.
[Tweet “”Setting #boundaries takes courage, consistency, and coaching.” #elaynaquotes #mindsetformoms”]
I just have to say I am so much happier now that I set healthy boundaries. After stages of weakness in which I let someone else take the wheel in my life, and stages of fear in which I didn’t let anyone in, I am now in the practice of embracing conflict as an opportunity to declare I am worth it.
As there is opposition in everything, this makes me more vulnerable to the inner bully; however, I am committed to being kind to myself and set a positive example for my daughters, and all women and moms I connect with.
Being surrounded by people who love who I am takes away the struggle of trying to fit in, the worry of being judged, the anxiety of conforming, and the discomfort of twisting yourself like a pleasaholic pretzel to try to make someone happy (which is not something that we can actually do, anyway!).
The people I invite in my life support my goals, love my silliness, laugh at my jokes [ or at least shake their heads lol], and challenge me to be better, think better, and do better.
And what I love most about this dynamic is that as I experience the freedom to be myself, I have the energy, the desire, and the enthusiasm to fully show up, love, and serve. It’s a win-win!
[Tweet “”Give yourself permission to set #boundaries, say NO, and honor your needs!” #elaynaquotes #mindsetformoms”]
What is an area in which you need support in your life? Are you committed to having the courage to ask for help? I invite you to try this:
- Write down three things you can ask for and three people that could help in a way that is acceptable for you.
- Write down what you will ask for and/or practice with a trusted mentor, coach, religious leader, or friend.
- Set a date in which you will do it, calendar it, and follow through!