Help Your Daughter Develop Confidence In Just One Hour

I just spent an hour talking about confidence and self-esteem with Elyssa and crying tears of joy.

At fourteen, sometimes I’ve looked at her and wondered where my baby has gone and, in just an hour, I feel like I have her back.

It was a natural birth and her one-year-old sister was in the room. The birthing pain was the sharpest and the most powerful I had felt, and yet she came out and a sense of peace just filled the room.

I used to joke that her first word would probably be “om.” It wasn’t, but soon she’d be the one who wanted to explore nature, do yoga, meditate, and ask if she could become vegan on her 7th birthday.

At 7, she was in the news because she published her bilingual book “See What I Can Become,” and at 9, she teamed up with her sister to publish another book – “I Love ME, Self-Esteem in 7 Easy Steps.”

She’s always inspired everyone around her with her confident demeanor, gentle strength, and deep wisdom.

And then she turned 13, grew a couple of sizes, and the dress she wanted to wear didn’t fit…

I’ve always told my daughters that beauty is the positive energy you radiate around you when you love yourself. I tell them they are beautiful every single day. But gone are the days when mommy is the sole source of truth in their lives.

Our girls navigate a 24-hour pop-culture, social media, always-on news cycle that can negatively impact their self-esteem. In fact, more than half (54%) of girls aged 10-17 don’t have high self-esteem, but that doesn’t just mean they avoid mirrors:

• 8 in 10 girls with low body confidence will opt out of important activities, such as raising their hands to voice their opinion.
• 6 in 10 girls believe that to do well in life, they have to look a certain way.
• 7 in 10 girls believe women who are beautiful have greater opportunities in life.

If we want to raise powerful women, we must help our daughters (and every girl in our lives) to develop confidence so they may reach their full potential.

We need the voices of girls, now more than ever, so we must invest time and energy into teaching them how to tap into their power!

To celebrate International Women’s Day and, in honor of this special day, I spent an hour of time with my daughters, Elyssa and Elisha, performing a Self-Esteem “Workshop-in-a-Box”, an incredibly easy program developed by the Dove Self-Esteem Project, which is the largest provider of accredited self-esteem curriculum in the world.

I partnered up with the Dove Self-Esteem Project because leading experts believe that one hour talking to a girl about beauty, confidence, and self-esteem can change the way she sees herself for a lifetime.

The kit is quite inviting for teen girls, and it has easy-to-follow and step-by-step instructions, as well as tips and guidelines that walk you through the process of having a vulnerable and transformative conversation with a younger girl in your life (your daughter, niece, mentee, etc.).

From learning how to interpret destructive messages in the media (which we know set unrealistic standards of beauty most women can’t ever achieve) to helping girls navigate toxic friendships at school, the Dove Self-Esteem Project provides free, accredited educational tools and resources addressing today’s biggest barriers to a girl’s self-esteem that anyone can use to have a positive conversation with a girl in their life.

Elisha took pictures of us and participated in the process, but we focused on Elyssa and one of the experiences that contributed to her feeling anxiety about the way she looks.

I simply asked her the questions on the 3-page facilitator’s guide and encouraged her to use her accompanying booklet to process her thoughts.

The word “workshop” may sound intimidating to us as moms, especially when it comes to something so dear to our heart like our daughter’s self-esteem, but the Dove Self-Esteem Project has helped more than 20 million young people since 2004 to develop a positive relationship with the way they look.

In fact, The Dove Self-Esteem Project aims to reach another 20 million young people with self-esteem education by 2020, so you can rest assured that this process really works and you only need an hour and the ability to follow easy prompts to help your daughter to develop self-confidence.

Elisha joked that she wishes there was such as thing as “Motherhood-in-a-Box” where we are given prompts and steps to guide this topsy turvy journey of being a mom. Maybe… who knows?

What I know for sure is that my hour with Elyssa was extremely powerful. Even when I have initiated and encouraged an open conversation policy with her, I knew there was much she wasn’t saying.

My #HourWithHer helped her really open up and I witnessed her realize the power of her thoughts, her words, her feelings, and her actions.

I was surprised to see that I’ve had 4-hour conversations with her (Yeah, I’m that mom…) where I’m left wondering if we really got anywhere and in just one hour I felt like she really got it.

We had precious moments, laughed a lot, and cried a little, but most importantly, by the end of our hour together using the Self-Esteem “Workshop-in-a-Box,” she had a different view of herself, a different perspective about beauty, and some very simple yet effective tools to shift when pressure or self-defeat arises.

Though it was painful to hear exactly how she was feeling and what she had been telling herself, these were beautiful and sacred moments for both of us. I wasn’t just a passive questioner, I was also guided through sharing some raw moments of my beauty story.

We held hands, we shared hugs, and we took a celebration picture, but if I have to choose a favorite moment is the one that most made me cry. I asked her about she was feeling after going through this experience and she said – and wrote – she was at peace.

That is the Elyssa I know. That was the baby I birthed. That’s the beautiful, confident, joyful young woman I’ve been raising her to be.

I’m so grateful for this Hour With Her and I encourage you to become a mentor and participate in the Dove Self-Esteem Project by spending an hour with a girl in your life and performing an easy Self-Esteem “Workshop-in-a-Box.”

These raw conversations can be painful, but I know it’s even more painful not to have them.

By the time I was Elyssa’s age, I had already tried to commit suicide because I didn’t feel like my life mattered. And as the years have passed, those thoughts still come back to haunt me.

Talking about our doubts, our fears, and our thoughts or beliefs of being unworthy, unlovable, and undeserving really helps.

Being a safe place for our children to express their emotions can keep them safe and prevent them from going down a dark spiral.

And remember, even if you are both a mom and a mental health professional, if your child is going through mental health challenges, it is best to provide resources beyond yourself.

No, it doesn’t mean we’re not enough – it just means we care so much that we will enlist the best care and seek the best resources.

Asking for help is hard. Trying new things is hard. Knowing that our child is struggling is hard. Not knowing how to help is hard. Don’t beat yourself up – it’s not only normal, it’s healthy to feel the emotions that come with hard things.

If this hour with her communicated to my daughter that her mom is willing to try new things, do hard things, and go out of her way to connect with her, then that is enough.

As much as I’d love to, I can’t protect her from everything and everyone and I can’t change her thoughts – I can’t even change my own. But I can let her know I love her, she matters, and I’m willing to work with her – and I feel that my inner 14-year-old would say to me: “that is more than enough.”

What difference would it make if you could help your daughter develop confidence in just one hour? Tell us how you connect with your teen daughter.

And comment below for a chance to be one of five winners to receive a Dove Self-Esteem “Workshop-in-a-Box” so you can help foster confidence and self-esteem in the next generation.

Elayna is a single mom of 4, award-winning Storyteller, Story Strategist, and Student of Pain. She’s a bestselling author, internationally acclaimed keynote speaker, and 4x TEDx speaker. Founder of the Positive MOM® and creator of the S.T.O.R.Y. System: a blueprint to craft and share powerful stories that will transform your results, so you can have the wealth, opportunities, and freedom you deserve. Connect with Elayna Fernández at thepositivemom.com/keynote-speaker and follow @thepositivemom. To receive a gift from Elayna, click HERE.

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